Complexities of this universe puzzled me a minute ago, now, it no longer, i seem to have found the answer, its just right in front of me-Human nature....

It dawned on me, and i have fully realised solutions and causes and the consequences that it might lead to. I am glad. I am happy.

Theres so much to say, to wtite, to tell you, yet, i can't. This is a blog.

Perhaps, i'll visit this black blog of mine again. Again, when i fall into the pit of unrealisation. Even if its 10yrs later..? I wilol let this blog be an invisible bond that links us, that provide us with an identified past, a shared history between you and me.

It was 'Meet the parent' day today. Mr Teacher tried to find my report book :
'Ok, please sit down, let me get your reportbook.'
............
'Whats your index number?'
"6"
MrTeacher, my form teacher immediately then,able to identify my book, the lone one at his left hand side. I do not want to state the obvious, -I was identified by a number and a term -"she".

My name is Janine, pronounced as 'je-nin", not many people, strangers in particular knows how to pronounce it, that made me special
by being not identified because of C5.

'She failed only 1 subject, and thats not easy'
'So what do you think you can do to improve your grade? you have only about 5-6months left"
'Do you have any tutors or anything?'
"Yes, I do, i have a _____ tutor "

My dad began talking and saying how important a teacher is to the student. I poked him. He continued.
MrTeacher leaned his head to his palm, and in a gazing manner looked at my dad, intensely, as if looking for flaws.
'So did you study _______subject before?'
""No, but, i know what this subject is about""
'Ok, Mrs_____ is in class303, can you please bring your dad to class303?'
'Ok, Mrs_______ in class 303, can you please bring your dad to class 303?'
'Ok, Mrs__________class 303 please bring your dad to class 303?'


'ok, byebye' >>>
Zoom>>>>>>>>
exactly at 6pmm
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Oh, Buddha! Let my blog be read! _______superior, anything!
Really anything?
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It was 1118am, and chinese class ended..
I went to my usual hunt-the benches near the bandroom, only to be disgusted to find
out that theres band today-theres people!
1130am, i left and went to the 'dirty lane' near queenstown
ntuc carpark to wait for dad to pick me up. ..

I saw the HDB flats on my left, they looked so familiar
i could not identify it with myself
they looked so colorful
they were just pure white in the past

The ' rubbish truck' as gorging
the rubbish a familiar smell brushed
acrossed my nose
aaaaa..

As my dad's car went pass the many bulidings,
i saw the old safra building
A sort of poster shows-'Hotel Development'
I asked my substance , if i were to go overseas for studies,
and suddenly find myself unable to regonize the many high buildings, what will i do?
My form replied ' to find my roots'
roots?! You mean China?
Hm.. perhaps i should find i place to call my own, i place where i will feel accepted and find good people communicating with me. People who will not run because of C5, not because of how i dress, but because i am really bad.

Nicole, my classmate said-"hi"
'Hi ! Where is the classroom ar?'
"Don noe leh, anna behind you, lets go together lah"
I said no. And walked away.
"Anti-social!"

The reality came dashing at me, as i tried to dodge. But it had 杀过来.
Ah!~ haha!
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:) I was going through a list of singlish words on a 'singlish dictionary site' since around 2? 3? Arghs i can't remember.

As go through them, to my amazement, i didn't know most of them! and guess what? I was born in Singapore, brought up in Singapore and educated in Singapore! The worse of all, i am a heartlander. And singlish is usually used by heartlanders. Isn't it?

Singlish is a dialect, a special dialect that Singaporeans invented, i would say. Its a unique language i would say that belongs to us... I am wrong?? Hm..and theres this Speak good English Movement.

Ok, back to what i realise when i was surfing..

I suddenly felt misplaced.. I have an identity of a Singaporean, and yet i am 'blur' about Singlish... So, is singlish symbolic of a Singaporean? With the influx of foreign talents, and a new bred of students like me and noticing the aunties and uncles and ah peks and ah kwas and ah sohs and ah longs... what do u think?

I am still searching answers.. answers to which who am i really is . What a life would i like to have. I feel that life sometimes feels meaningless. I have been studying and my goals are usually to get good results for my studies . But somehow, i feel, this should never be the way. I guess, i should continue to search for answers. Thats my goal. But.. a goal is a dream with a DATELINE................................

sO, WHEN can i get my answERs?

I felt my brain being pressured, my legs went somehow soft.. and then, came the air. It flowed through my whole saxophone , and there it was, my fingers began to move ..............Missyip did not look at me.. Amazingly, i began to play better, her eyes seem sad....... I played the Enote, and before i know it, my air lessened, and it was gone... With a wave of her paton, the band began again.

Thank you Missyip :) You have taught me for.. approx 3years?? You taught me priceless values.. your good posture, the patient attitude, your never say die attitude, and most of all, that eyes of yours... :) You used to smirk lots, but do not do that much now... oh, your eyes, it tells lots - how the band was playing(good or bad), and it gives reassurance to me too and i like it :) Oh and thanks for chatting with me before the concert started.. :)

oh.. Mrslee, thanks for taking a picture of me!!!!!!!!!! Were you able to take a good one?? Hehee!!! I may have looked reluctant to take a picture, but in fact, i was hungry fo one!! heheeheehe... :p

Oh.. thanks Dayana for giving me a smack on the butt! :) i thought u were mad at me for mentioning you in my blog :) Oh! Does your butt still feel pain?? sorry.. but i will try to pinch your butt more lightly next time ::)) Muhahaha!

Thanks to my always encouraging senior Hueyting, Derek , my juniors Carol, Chiwen, Runqin for comforting me after and before my solo. My first solo! haha... x)

Oh yes, finally! finally! its just 2 days away! Guess what it'll be the day i can play my first 'solo'! yay!!!!!!!!!! I have waited for this chance for more than 3years! Geez!

Oh! My schoolband will be performing its first ever concert- First Shine! Haha!

-17thApril2008
-7pm
-Singapore poly auditorium
-$6, Free seating... ............................Do get the tickets from me if you want ya??????????? ::))

It was my birthday... a few days ago.. geez

I realised that when i stop giving joy to others, others stopped too for me..and i realised this fact only on my birthday, my 16th birthday..i had the practice of giving presents before to others when i was.. pri1 or 2?

But i stopped. I stopped giving cards or presents to my friends. An occasional 'Happy Birthday ..' would then be said.. i was afraid of rejection. Rejection and ignorance from my friends. some would say, "Thanks " and thats all. I felt my sincere wishes were not appreciated.. I did not know the real meaning to the term Happy Birthday to say the truth..

Presents! Presents from, Jessica, Shalini, Andrea, Randi ( Really Sorry!!!! I did not mean to do that! ) , Carol my bubbly sax junior and Dayana were received.. And thanks~~!!!! That made me feel warm, that made me feel the meaning of a birthday. It does not merely represent the day one is born, but more importantly, to feel the love from the ppl around you. Things that one does not see daily.

Take Dayana for example.. geez... i wasn't a good friend when we were in sec1 &2. I felt out of place when a new friend joined in into the 'group' ,i fwasn't able to feel the importance of my presence in the group. And hence i left. On my way to the bandroom a couple of days ago, Sunmi mentioned to me that dayana said i was her best friend during sec1 . I was taken aback. It set me thinking. And a few days later, i received her present for me.. she remembered it..

Geez..............................................................................................................................................